Seize the Night!!!

First of all, I would like to clarify that the title doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m listening or have recently listened to that song by the fake Milli Vanilli. It just has something to do with changes that have been going on in my personality. Or so I think…

I’ve been losing my edge lately. I’m not the mad-as-fuck, kill-’em-all, and get-the-fuck-out-of-my-face person that I used to be. Sure, I still do like to comment and rant but it seems that I have gone down a level and I now exhibit hints of humility and respect for others. Not that it’s a bad thing. It’s just that I’m not used to it. I guess something has doused my fiery wrath so I’ll just have to blame it on the rain.

As a person that considers fire as his primary element, saying that I hate the rain was an overstatement of my sentiments. It even came to a point wherein I would curse the heavens and blame the rain for everything shitty that’s happening in the world. I mean, c’mon, they do cause floods, traffic and disease. And also, for some strange reason, the rain weakens me a lot. It always puts me in that state that makes me want to be immobile and just sleep.

One thing I realized about the rain, though, is how it relaxes me. Yes, I may feel weakened but I also feel calm, docile and tranquil. Everytime I wake up from a stupor that is caused by the rain, I feel recharged because, even for just a few moments, I was in a peaceful state; not thinking about anything and refreshing my totality.

Yes, I am starting to sound like some smoked-off guru. Oh well. Blame it on the rain.

For whatever reasons, I think I’m starting to like this less-edgier me. The people around me seem to like it better, too.

And I think I’m starting to like the rain as well.

Well, What else can I say? Blame it on the rain.

September 26, 2005 - A date that marked the Birthday of one of my truest friends, Nick. But never did we know that it’d also be the day that Dreamers united once again.

Nick invited us (Ace, Gerrie, Milo and I) to go to Rockwell to celebrate his birthday. It was so much fun! After months of playing as ’soloists’, Ace, Nick and I finally played a complete session in Gitadora V. And, of course, we played the song that made us go back to our lives: Sailing Day. We didn’t really get highscores, especially me since I was going wild on the guitars to the point that I often lost the rhythm, but it just great playing session mode with people that you know also felt the song and recognized its impact on their lives. At that moment, it was as if we owned the song because we have so much desire to live it.

After the session, we went straight to the Videoke booth and sang our hearts (and voices) out. Milo and I were able to get the highest score of the day (93) when we sang/screamed Halik ni Hudas by Wolfgang. Ace and Nick also got a high score when they sang Nami Tamaki’s Realize. And Gerrie… well… sang with Ace… nevermind the score. All that singing made us hungry so we went straight to dinner at Chinese Monk.

My bestfriend, Elaigh, arrived just when we were about to eat. She wasn’t able to join us earlier because she had work and I forgot to tell her that it was Nick’s birthday (I’m a bad bestfriend! Waaaaaah! I deserve to be tied up and tickled to death!). We all just talked a lot at dinner. All of us were making pot-shots at Milo’s hair, which made him look like Jesus Christ (just add a mustache). And Ace also told us that she’s going to be hosting a Final Fantasy themed Pen-and-Paper RPG. I can’t wait to play! the story setting is very interesting.

We all went on home after that. Even the road trip home was so much fun because we got to talk about our lives. We are all in this transition phase which we all should’ve experienced years ago (I guess we we’re all sheltered from life, one way or another). We are at a point where we are all trying to truly define what we want, what we need and how to get it. A point wherein we all sort out realizable goals from impossible fantasies. I guess, we just reached another checkpoint that required us to renew our license to grow up. And we did just that.

At the end of the day, we all had smiles on our faces. It is very comforting to know that in my quest to chase my dreams, I am not alone in trying to set sail. Although, my ship hasn’t left port yet, I know that it is not impossible for me to catch up with my fellow sailors. And I’ll be able to keep my promise of sailing along side them; one of these days.

September 26, 2005 - The day that Eternal Dreamers were born.

I’m no stranger to getting lost; as a matter of fact, I kind of like getting lost because it makes me test my sense of direction and street-smarts in finding a way to get back to familiar territory. Of course, that’s only the case if I’m physically lost, as in, going to Cavite but ending up in Tagaytay. Once I get lost in a metaphysical sense, it’s another thing.

Those of you who have read my previous entries could very well tell that I’ve hit a dead-end in my personal journey. Yeah, it was very easy to getting to that dead-end because the road going there was clear. But once I decided to back track so I could get back to square one, traversing the path I’ve travelled again was tougher because, never did I know, that I left a wake of destruction that made that path less-than-frinedly to travel. I guess I don’t know my own strength. Being strong is such a double-edged sword because when the time comes that you need to face yourself, you’ll find out how strong you really are. And not in a good way.

Well, no one really said that the road to recovery was easy. I’d have a much better chance of breaking through the dead-end. So the situation has left me with two options: break through the wall (hard way), or back-track through the now-destroyed road that I once took (impossible way). For certain reasons, I chose the latter.

It may seem like a stupid choice because it is the more difficult of the two but I have my reasons. One is probably how I relate myself to Holden McNiel (the protagonist in my favorite movie of all time. Chasing Amy). Like Holden, as described by Banky Edwards (Holden’s bestfriend), I think I am "The most persistent traveler on the road that’s NOT the path of least resistance." I’m sort of a masochist that way. Another reason is that I am sure that going back is the most effective way for me to get my life back. At least I’ll be able know where I went wrong or where should I go right (or maybe take a left-turn in Alba-koi-ky).

Like I said, it’s not gonna be easy. But what is easy in this world, anyway?

I’ve already started my back-tracking and I’m not really doing well. As I try, more of my own demons (even the ones I’ve faced before) are starting to hinder me again. My empathy is going haywire; I feel emotions that aren’t evensupposed to be for me to feel. It’s like all of them are going inside me at the same time: anger, disappointment, joy, hope, jealousy, helplessness, etc. I can’t even define some of the emotions anymore.

I’ll just have to do whatever I can then, so I started the day by fixing my bike, Gehenna. At least, whenever I feel these random emotions, I could just take it out by riding (assuming I don’t feel weakened, which often times happened). So right now, she’s in good shape and ready to ride.

Another thing that didn’t really make my day go better is the fact that the Japanese team lost their match with Cuba in the FiVB World Grand Prix (Volleyball). I could see Ai Otomo’s (my favorite player) frustration everytime they screwed up a chance for matchpoint. In any case, it’s still the eliminations round. They could still get back.

Anyway, I know I will get through all this. I’ve been through a lot of tough shit. Although none of them was as tough as this, I know I can defeat them. One thing that gave me confidence was when I saw a re-run of the first episode of The Contender where Alfonso Gomez (my fave contender and weakest fighter of the West; 10-2 record back then) defeated Peter Manfredo, Jr. (strongest of the East; 21-0 record back then). It was a total mismatch. Alfonso was one weight division lower than Peter, and the latter is also ranked number three in the world standings. Yet, he was able to defeat him through sheer determination and, of course, his desire to win and bring down the strongest of the East. I just need to have the same desire as Alfonso. After I get that, I will have a better chance of winning.

The past two days proved to be an interesting experience because it was such an emotional rollercoaster ride.

Friday morning, I checked out Ace’s Friendster Blog and found myself bursting into tears as I read her entry. It was about my favorite song, Sailing Day by Bump of Chicken. I really loved the song because of it’s message about going on an adventure without worrying about risks. It seemed so exciting and so much fun. But Ace’s entry reminded me why I really loved that song. It was about being a foolish dreamer; creating dreams and believing that they could come true. Something that I am not, something that I used to be before I was shot down by the harshness of reality.

I had a talk with Ace about it, too. And I realized that I was happier back then; 3 years ago, when I dared to dream. During those days when I would just take go out and chase my dream, not thinking about the cost or risk. I miss myself being that way. And I want to get myself back.

I was able to bum a ride with Nick going to school and I talked about it with him, too. He and Ace had the same point-of-view. I was happier back then. And when I asked him about why I was happy back then and why not now, he didn’t know. But he implied that it was for me to find out.

I am now on a quest to find out what made me happy in the past, to help me find what will make me happy in the future. Sounds like a nice adventure; an opportunity for this used-to-be foolish dreamer to set sail once again.

Anyway, when we got to school, we were already late for the seminar/workshop that we were supposed to attend, so I ended up just hanging out in school but it wasn’t a total waste of time. I was able to at least help Jenjen with her column, especially since she’s having a hard time trying to say what she needs to because of all the ‘distractions’. It’s also a good way for me to pass the torch to someone else (I was somewhat an infamous columnist of the school paper) by teaching the younger writers. Jenjen always said that she’s interested in becoming ‘The next BJ David’. Unfortunately, I won’t let that happen because it’ll be better if she defines herself as herself and not live in the darkness of my shadow. She has all the talent and charisma. She is much better than me; she just needs to know it.

After school, I went to Ben’s house where Mikey and I are going to sleepover. A sort-of celebration of our graduation. Carlo tagged along, too. We played videogames all-night and watched Final Fantasy: Advent Children. The movie was explosive and glorious. The battle scenes where pulse-pounding and up-tempo. It was just too grand! After the movie we were all so stunned that we weren’t talking trash while playing Burnout 3 and Burnout Revenge (and we do trash-talk a lot when playing). The movie was so intense that it took us the entire night just get our pulse- and heart-rate to go down.

I got home just yesterday evening. All that has happened the past two days was tantamount to the multitude of emotions that I could experience in a week. I laughed, cried, got excited, got angry… Damn. But it was wonderful. It made me feel alive. It made me feel human. And that’s the feeling I need so I could finally get my sails up to start my Sailing Day.

It’s been a week since I last went to school/work and I’m still stuck at home doing very little. Sure, I may get to bum around (something I haven’t done in awhile) but after a whole week of eating, sleeping, playing video games, scratching my tummy, and variations and/or combinations of the aforementioned, it just got too boring.

Ever since this moring, I’ve tried desperately to find something to do. Noticing that I’m starting to gain poundage (as if I’m not fat enough), I wanted to take my bike out for a spin, but then it started raining (grumble). So I just went back to my room and played Metal Slug 4 on my laptop. Then I suddenly looked over to my wall and saw my nunchucks hanging. And so I started twirling them.

I’ve been training with those ‘chucks for the past 3 months, and I’m proud to say that it’s paying off (I can wield them fast while blind-folded). Although, I did get a lot of bruises, bumps and hits on certain sensitive areas, I still think that it’s worth it.

I have two pairs of nunchucks: a brown long-pegged, short-chained one; and a black short-pegged, long-chained one. Noticing that the brown one looks a bit ‘woody’ and the black one starting to chip, I decided to repaint them. Heck! I was bored anyway. So I painted the formerly brown nunchucks black and re-touched the paint of the black nunchucks, therefore I now have two pairs of black ‘chucks.

After waiting for the paint to dry, I played with them again (this time in the dark). I liked the fact that, because of their black color, they are now impossible to see when being twirled, making them perfect for night combat. I was so entranced that I decided to continue training with them in the dark (it was also good training for me to always know where the ‘chucks are hitting despite me not seeing them).

Looks like I’ll have something to keep me busy after all. I just hope I don’t get tired of it.

By the way, I named both nunchucks, too. The used-to-be-brown-now-black nunchucks I named Obsidian, while the repainted one I dubbed as Nocturne (I uploaded their pics in my photo album).

My allies in combat: Obsidian (L) and Nocturne (R).

The end of a journey always marked the beginning of a new one. In my current situation, though, I think I may still be stuck in the transition.

I just recently finished my degree in Business Administration-Major in Computer Applications. After six (yes, six long years) in college, I shall finally get my diploma come October.

It was a very long, emotional, tedious, tiring, and fun race with debris scattered allover the track but I ran that race. And I won.

I know that right now I should be in the winners circle; celebrating my victory, thanking the people who supported me, and spraying champagne to the crowd. But, I just really don’t know. Now that the race is over, I feel so empty… So idle… So useless.

I am trying to hunt for a job right now while taking advantage of my ‘no-more-school’ days by doing the things that I wasn’t able to do when my thesis was still pending. Things like biking, playing video games and watching TV (I did shut myself out a bit too much back there, didn’t I?) which are very much fun and helps pass the time. However, it doing those things never really gave me a sense of purpose.

This may sound weird but, in a very strange sense, I do miss school. I miss doing my thesis; I miss the no-sleep nights; I miss the deadlines of the school paper; I miss the pressure. I guess I got so used to the pressure, that I became dependent on it for motivation.

Oh well, I guess I’ll just be looking and waiting for the next race for now.